


The Things I Didn't Notice Before

by frominsideacomputer



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 13 chapters, Adventure Time mention, Breakup, Engagement, F/M, Filming, Food, Forbidden Planet - Freeform, M/M, Marriage, Phil meets a fan, Phil's kinda salty, Quite a lot of swearing from Phil, Starbucks, Video, but i like writing salty characters, chapter 9 has sex, holy shit on a stick, i need to stop rambling in the tags, look how much i wrote, never written that much beofre
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-03
Updated: 2015-05-28
Packaged: 2018-03-28 20:13:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 17,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3868288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frominsideacomputer/pseuds/frominsideacomputer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan's engaged to someone, and has just announced it to his fans. Phil isn't so happy, because he's in love with Dan and he doesn't like Dan's girlfriend. They argue and shit goes down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. That Should Have Been Me

**Author's Note:**

> This was based on a dream I had, so it's a bit weird but I kinda like it  
> Enjoy!  
> ps, I have nothing against the name Astrid, I just googled hippie names and it came up.

_“Hey Internet, so I wanted to share so pretty special news with you today!_  
 _So many have you have been wondering why I’ve not been uploading or tweeting etc. as much recently, and after careful consideration, I thought you had the right to know…I’m engaged! I know right, you weren’t expecting that! So her name’s Astrid and we’ve been dating for…_ ”  
Through the wall I could hear Dan filming his new video, announcing his engagement to Astrid.  
“What kind of a name is Astrid?” I muttered bitterly into the pages of my new Stephen King book. “Stupid name for a stupid girl.” My thoughts had drowned out Dan talking into his camera, full of energy and enthusiasm. The last time I had seen him that excited with when we announced the book. God that seems so long ago.  
_“So I’m not sure how much I’ll be uploading over the next few months, because I’ve got a wedding to plan! Bye guys!”_ Dan finally finished talking and I was drowned in a sad silence. I had to pretend I liked her, because Dan seemed so in love with her. I remember he’d spent hours choosing that fucking ring which should have been for me. So I’m salty about it. Because yes, I’m still in love with my best friend.  
I heard him get up and soon, he was stood in my room. I distinctly remember closing the door, and he definitely hadn’t knocked, but that’s irrelevant, I have to be nice.  
  
I looked up, “What?” as I spoke, I noticed the broad smile on his face and the sparkle in his eyes which was now only saved for _her_.  
“How did that sound?”  
“Great yeah, you going to edit it now?” I replied snapping a little too much.  
“Yeah,” He seemed taken aback by my abrupt reply. “You okay?”  
I almost jumped in surprise at him actually taking notice of me and my feelings, that’s nice of him. “Yeah, I’m just tired, it’s been a long week.”  
“Try planning a wedding.” He replied sarcastic as ever. Of course the attention was back on him, of course it was all about him. It had been since he met her, he had become so self-centred, he became a…a diva.  
I don’t like to be too mean to Dan, but on days like this, I just want to throw someone off a bridge. “I’m not the one who decided to get married.” I stood up, grabbing a jumper. I needed some air, the atmosphere in the flat was so horrible, and I couldn’t stand it for long. Walking past him I snapped, “But to be honest, the way you’ve been going on about it, I could do this wedding myself.”  
  
I ran downstairs, grabbing my keys and slamming the front door. As I got outside, I ran into Astrid, who was just getting back from work.  
“Hey Phil!” She called politely, but I knew she didn’t actually like me.  
Ignoring her, I stumbled along the road, finally reaching the end of our street. Living in London meant that there was a constant stream of traffic, so after waiting for a lifetime to cross, I made my way to the tube station.  
It was midday on a Wednesday, and the station was packed. People pushed their way around and past me as I walked onto the train and found a glorious empty seat. The train left, but I didn’t really know my destination.  
‘I’ll get off when I feel like it’ I told myself, as the train slowed and pulled into the second stop. Not here, the next one.  
We were plunged into darkness, and the carriage rattled through the tunnels, the stench of exhaust and sweat filling my nose. Ah the tube, London’s finest.  
I felt the wheels begin to slow beneath me, and I stood up to get off as we pulled into Covent Garden. The doors opened and I almost fell out; I double-stepped up the escalator – Dan didn’t like me doing that, not since he grated his elbow on the one in Manchester – and arrived outside, the air was cleaner up here and I inhaled heavily, clearing my lungs of not only tube crap, but also the claustrophobia I got from the flat these days.  
  
It wasn’t _our_ flat anymore, because Astrid lived there too. I was planning on moving out soon, I earned enough money to afford a flat in London, and I had been flat hunting a lot over the past few weeks. There was one I’d found which I just loved, it was so nice and so different to the current one. Dan had had most of the say in it, so I liked it but I never loved it. I like it even less now Astrid’s got all her shit lying around the place.  
There’s scented candles everywhere – and not like my shitty ones – actual proper expensive ones (and they’re gross); she’s vegetarian so we can’t _possibly_ have meat when she’s eating at home which is literally every night, so now I eat at a different time, and I have a feeling that she’s turned Dan vegetarian (but then again, I caught him snacking on a bacon sandwich whilst she was out a couple of weeks ago).  She bought all these authentic cushions covered in beads and embroidery and some shit, which are the worst to sit on because they scratch your back so I moved them into the office and replaced our old ones. We’re, sorry, _I’m_ not allowed to listen to music or watch TV or play video games between half seven and half eight in the evening because she has to fucking meditate. And the worst part is, she goes for a run at five in the morning, every morning, waking everyone up with her loud footsteps on the stairs.  
I tried to tell Dan how annoying this was, but now he’s joined in. He goes for runs. Dan Howell goes for runs.  
To be truly honest, I find it hilarious. But I can’t tell him that.

I reach our favourite Starbucks, I get lunch and a lemonade. I found my phone and my wallet in my coat pockets, so it looks like I can spend the rest of the day out.  
There’s one seat, well two, next to the window in Starbucks that looks out across the road, and into Covent Garden. We always sat here, but I haven’t been to Starbucks with Dan in god knows how long. He and Astrid go to some stupid expensive organic café now, and I think she knows the owner.  
As I sit and watch the people go by, I realise how pretty it is here. How light and bright the shops are; how the people walk with a spring in their steps over the paving stones, smiling in the spring sun. I never noticed it like this before, I was probably too busy staring at Dan. ‘Love Eyes Lester’ that was the nickname the fans gave me, and Dan was ‘Heart Eyes Howell’. The thing is, mine were true but Dan’s weren’t.

I finish my lunch and take the drink with me. I walk up along to Seven Dials and then back down the hill to Forbidden Planet. My favourite store, but good lord I haven’t been in a while.  
As I enter, I realise how much I’ve missed this store, I’ve missed the vibe everyone has, and I miss the way we would recommend things to strangers if they were struggling to choose. I wander around, picking up an Adventure Time mug (since my old one has mysteriously gone missing) and I go downstairs to the book and DVD selection.  
“Hey?” A female voice behind me says.  
“Yeah?” Turning around I see a teenage girl, with a nervous smile on her face looking up at me.  
“You’re AmazingPhil right?” She still looks nervous.  
“Yeah that’s me. You a fan?” I love meeting fans like this, just when they’re casual and it’s a chance meeting.  
Her expression softens. “You have no idea, can I get a photo?” She pulls out her phone, opening the camera. “So is Dan around, it would be great to get one with both of you?”  
I stiffen at Dan’s name, they don’t know about Astrid, but I kinda hate her enough to want to tell this girl. There’s a strong and angry debate going on in my head, but eventually evil wins out and I tell her.  
“No, he’s at home, editing with his financé.”  
The girl’s eyes widen and she stares at me in disbelief. “He’s…no…he’s not? Is he?” She stutters.  
I nod, “Yeah, now do you want that photo or not?” I turn to stand next to her and she takes a couple of photos.  
“Thank you so much! Is the Dan situation public news or not yet?”  
Again I think about this, but really I’ve got nothing to lose. Dan’s getting married, and he barely talks to me anymore, I’m moving out and so I say the worst possible thing. “It is now. Put it on Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook or Instagram. I want to the world to know before tomorrow.”  
“Really? Okay.” She waved goodbye and wanders off, leaving me slightly regretting what I just did.  
  
I can’t really remember what happened the rest of the time I was out, because my head was a whirlpool of emotions. But as I reached home, I began to feel so powerful of what I had done, it gave me a new kind of energy.  
I got the front door and unlocked it to a silent flat. No TV, no music, no nothing. That was unusual. Trekking up the stairs, I got to my room, I pulled off my jacket and threw it onto the bed, along with my shopping bags. Everything was still suspiciously quiet, but I ignored it and went to make some tea.  
But as I passed the lounge, I noticed Dan sitting in his browsing position and Astrid sat up to the table also on her laptop.  
“Guys, would you mind being a bit quieter? I’m going deaf.” I said sarcastically; that’s another thing actually, since _she_ moved in, I’ve been a sarcastic asshole who swears a lot. It’s almost like me and Dan have switched roles.  
They made angry eye contact and both looked up at me, leaning on the door frame.  
“Was this you Phil?” Dan turned his screen around so I could see it.  
I read “@danisnotonfire is it true you’re engaged? @danisnotonfire when’s the wedding? @danisnotonfire you’re getting married?! Looks like someone let the cat out the bag.” I sniggered, it was funnier seeing Astrid’s horrified face more than anything.  
“We were going to announce it tomorrow!” She whined at me.  
“Well I didn’t know that” I held my hands up in innocence.  
“Phil why did you tell someone?” Dan had his angry voice on now.  
“Because I’ve got nothing left to lose.” I shrugged and went to make some tea, leaving them in stunned silence.  
  
A few minutes later, I heard Astrid yelling “I don’t know why I bother!” Followed quickly by the front door slamming. Oh good, me and Dan can have a proper argument now, when I won’t get Astrid barging in with incense sticks or a fucking crystal ball.  
“See what you did?!” Dan yelled at me from behind as I poured the hot water into the mug.  
Placing the kettle down carefully I turned around, crafting my reply in my head. “What I did? So it’s my fault you’re engaged to a bitch.” I wish I had taken a photo of his face.  
“What’s your problem with her?” He shouted again.  
“She not the right person for you! You don’t suit each other!” I yelled back.  
“And what does that mean?! She makes me happy!”  
“You’re not right together!”  
“Who cares? We’re getting married!”  
“She’s not the right person for you!”  
“And who is? You?” At Dan’s final remark, silence falls in the kitchen. The intensity of it drowns out the sounds of the city.  
“Yes.”


	2. Falling into Silence or Falling into Love again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil tries to explain to Dan what he's been feeling, they get upset, and then Phil moves out.  
> Astrid's still a bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I'm a shit and I hate leaving people waiting, I wrote this asap after posting the first chapter.  
> ps, kudos, comments and bookmarks are always welcome

“Yes.” I whispered, tears brimming in my eyes. I forced myself to hold them back, because I didn’t want to cry in front of Dan.  
“What do you mean-oh, right.” Dan understood mid-sentence what had just happened.  
As we stood together in the kitchen, the silence smothering us, I thought about how hard this conversation would be for the both of us. I had to confess to Dan how I’d felt over the past few years, and he had to listen to me whining and telling him how much I did love him – even if I’d been so horrible to him recently.  
I could stand the quiet any longer and I had to explain to Dan what I really meant. “Since we met, I always kinda knew I’d end up falling in love with you. And I did. I was never sure if we’d end up together, I hoped we would, and a small part of me still kinda does. I know you don’t love me back, and I should have said something sooner but I was a coward who was worried it would become weird between us if I did say anything. And now it’s got too horrible living here, having you around, and her.  
I’m moving out Dan, I found a flat and I’ll be gone before the wedding. I’ll leave you in peace.”

Dan stared at me in stunned silence, his eyes wide and there was something flickering behind them. Not anger, not sadness, not happiness, not confusion.  
“I wish you’d acted on it sooner. I really do.” He spoke quietly, voice just above a whisper.  
“You mean…”  
“I was so in love with you Phil.” And then I knew what the flickering behind his eyes was. Hope.  
“You could have said something.”  
“So could you.” Dan replied sarcastically, and then I knew the old Dan was showing through this curtain Astrid had pulled down over him.  
I smirked, sighing a little. “But it’s too late, and I’m moving out soon. I guess I’ll miss you, or at least your presence.”  
“Please don’t go?”  
“I’m here for another two months, you’ve got all that time to try and get me to stay.” I sighed and left the kitchen to go and sit in my room. I heard Dan follow me and I knew it was useless to argue.  
“I don’t know how I’ll cope without you.” He ran his hand through his hair, he looked so good when he did that.  
“You seem to be coping okay with _her_.” I couldn’t turn and face him again, not yet.  
“Oh Phil,” I felt a hand on my arm, and Dan pulled me around to face him. “I do love Astrid, I really do, but you keep me, me. You stop me from falling too far. I know you moved the cushions, I know you saw me eating the bacon sandwich, I know you threw out that disgusting smelling candle.”  
He flicked his fringe out his eyes, and looked straight at me. “But if that’s the only reason you haven’t kicked me out, then I really don’t have a reason to stay.” I replied.  
Dan was silent again – this seems to be happening a lot – but then he finally answered. “I’m not going to be able to convince you to stay, but I was going to ask you to do this anyway, will you be my best man?”  
I wasn’t surprised, there was no one else who knew him better. “Well, who else has an unlimited supply of embarrassing stories about you?” We both laughed quietly, but a little awkwardly. “Yes, I’ll be your best man, but as long as I have no restrictions on my speech.”  
“Fine.” Dan agreed, holding out a hand for me to shake it.  
I took it, but in doing so we both pulled each other into a hug and we stood in a warm embrace for what was only ten seconds, (I’m going to sound sappy) but it seemed like forever. It really did because it had been so long since we’d touched each other, that sounds a bit strange, but there used to be the occasional hand on the shoulder and patronising pat on the back during videos, but I noticed since he started dating her, he’d stopped. I think it was to stop the fans shipping us. Shame really, I didn’t mind and apparently neither did he at some point.

We pulled apart and I was suddenly lacking in the warmth from Dan.  
“You’re going to be okay?” He looked deeply at me, as if to say ‘I’m here for you’.  
“I’ll be alright, but I need to start getting my stuff packed up.”

**Three months later**

So it’s my last morning here, probably ever, unless I’m needed back but I highly doubt that. We’re packing the last of my things into the van we hired for this. There’s not much, the new flat comes furnished, so I don’t need to take anything. But when I was packing, I found so many things that remind me of the times I was close to Dan. I want to take them all with me, but it won’t help me feel better, so I’m throwing a lot of them out.  
As I carry the last box down the stairs and out the front door, I hear footsteps following me and a strong smell on incense. Astrid.  
I reach the van and slot the box into a space, wedging it between a bag of clothes and box of boxes.  
“I’ll really miss you Phil.” She says, as Dan comes out behind her, wrapping an arm around her waist. The sight of it makes me tighten, jealousy still pumping through my veins. She also doesn’t mean that, she only says it to impress Dan.  
And I still have to be nice. “I’m really going to miss you too.” I reach down to hug her (she’s like half a foot smaller than both of us) and my face is plastered with a fake smile.  
As we pull apart, she turns to Dan. “I’ll go back inside, this is quite an occasion for you two.”

Once she’s gone, Dan says, “I’m really going to miss you Phil.”  
“And I’ll miss you too, but it’s for the best.”  
“But what if I need you?”  
“Then call me, text me and I’ll come running.” I truly mean it.  
“You run? I don’t think so.”  
“Rude, or skype me, like the old days.” Bloody hell, the old days are so old now, seven years is a long time.  
Dan smiles sadly, I think he will really miss me. “Bye Phil.”  
“Bye Dan.” I pull him into a hug, tighter than ever before, and just before we pull apart, I see Astrid in the window, looking down on us with a scowl thrown on her face. I smile back, sarcastically and a little maliciously, this will be one of the last times I see her before the wedding.  
I get into the van and just before I leave, I hear Dan say “Thank you for an amazing seven years. I-”  
But the engine cuts him off and I don’t get to hear what he has to say.


	3. Like We Used To

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One month has passed since the end of the last chapter, and the wedding is nearing. Phil's got to write a best man's speech, but in the middle of his lack of inspiration, he gets a worrying call from Dan.   
> TW: possible eating disorder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking up until here, I think this is going to be the longest fic I've ever written if I carry it on after exams.   
> As Always, love, phan and happiness.

**One month later**  
I love this flat more than anything, but not more than I loved Dan (past tense). It’s so much nicer being on my own now, I have so much freedom and without the man I once loved around, I can breathe properly. I get a change of scene for my videos and the fans seem to like it. I’m still AmazingPhil; Dan and Phil games still happens, but they’re never together anymore. Its official name should really be ‘Dan or Phil Games (usually with someone else but who knows anymore)’ I’ve made some with Jack and Dean, so has Dan. I did one with PJ, Dan’s done less. He really hasn’t been uploading much recently, the wedding and his fiancé have really got him tied up: the guest list and venues and colour themes and god knows what else goes into a wedding.   
I don’t really know what he plans to do after he gets married, I doubt he’ll carry on with YouTube that much. Uploads are likely to be even less frequent than they already are. Maybe he’ll do more radio show stuff, after all he still presents ‘our’ show in the first Monday of every month. I quit that a long time ago, I wanted to get properly back into YouTube and with the book; I was struggling under the pressure. It’s like being made to carry weights up a hill, but when you reach the top, all they do is add more and tell out you’ve got further to go.   
Honestly, I don’t know what Dan will do, Astrid’s a music teacher but Dan won’t go into teaching, that’s for sure. If anyone did, it would be me. I taught Dan how to make the videos that gained him view, I told him to have the confidence to say hello to the internet and I was the one who became him best friend.

“Well, this best man’s speech isn’t going to write itself.” I muttered, pen in hand, racking my brains for inspiration. I started writing this about three hours ago, but all I’ve got is _‘It wouldn’t be a best man’s speech without a few bad jokes and embarrassing the groom now would it?_ ’   
The problem is, I know Dan so well, and there are so many things I could put in, it would take me years to say them all. But I don’t know which ones are the best few, so I’ve made a shortlist, currently the top four memories are: announcing the book; Philisnotonfire one to six; Dan moving in with me and our first weekly radio show. But I should really include when he told me he was going to propose; when we first ever spoke; when he came running home, gushing about Astrid and I so want to include the Valentine’s day video but PJ has banned me from even hinting at that.   
I know I won’t include anything to do with Astrid. I don’t like her enough to give her that glory.   
My thoughts run away with me and I’m suddenly snapped out of a day dream by the phone ringing. I leapt up and grabbed the phone, checking the caller I.D and seeing Dan’s name glowing out the screen.   
“Dan?”  
_“Thank god you were there.”_ He sounds breathless, and bit upset.   
“Is everything alright?”  
_“Phil I don’t think I can do this anymore.”  
_ “Dan. Dan! Calm down, breathe. What’s happened?” As much as I don’t want this wedding to happen, I can’t let Dan know.   
_“I can’t do this over the phone. Are you busy?”_ He sounds frantic now, like he doesn’t want someone to hear.   
“No, do you want to meet somewhere?” If there’s one thing I know about Dan, it’s his constant need to meet people for ‘chats’.   
_“Remember our Starbucks?”_ How could I forget it?   
“Yeah?”  
_“Meet me there in half an hour, in our favourite seats.”_ And the line is dead. I have to go, there’s no way I’d stand him up.

Twenty minutes later I find myself sitting on the tube, heading to Covent Garden. I haven’t been to this Starbucks since the day I may have accidently on purpose announced their engagement a day early. Ahhh, the memories.   
When I get to Starbucks, Dan isn’t there. It doesn’t surprise me, he’s never been on time for a thing in his life. As I sit on the sticky leather sofa, the hot September sun blasting through the windows; my mind drifts off to the reason Dan has called me here on such short notice. I haven’t seen him on his own since I moved out, so this has got to be important. Maybe the wedding planning is just too much and he needs a break from Astrid – I would, well, I’d have a permanent break from her but that’s irrelevant. Maybe he wants to discuss the stag party which is like next week and I’ve just realised I still haven’t booked the limo.  Maybe he’s having second thoughts, but that’s not the kind of thing he’d go to the person who he once loved and (once) loved him about. My mind then drifted into other things, pointless thoughts, of ‘what if’ scenarios, of video ideas, of best man speech jokes and more memories I could include.   
Dan was not fifteen minutes late, but that didn’t bother me. I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn’t notice the time pass or the sound of him sitting down.   
“Phil?” I was ripped out of my day dream, and I looked up to see Dan sitting opposite me.   
He looked exhausted, but we were both used to strange sleep schedules, so seeing him tired was unusual. His dark eyes were not sparkling like they used to, they were dull and bored. There was no twinkle behind them, no glimmer of anything. In fact, they seemed to suck in any light which touched them, even the sun was being extinguished when it hit them.   
His hair was scruffy, and it had not been straightened in a long time, but his cute little curls didn’t have the bounce they once had. They lay flat on his head like twisted twigs, making up a messy bird’s nest. The weather was warm, and we were both in shorts, but Dan’s legs were overly skinny, and verging on skeletal. Actually, he looked too skinny everywhere, especially on his face; his cheekbones protruded out of his cheeks angrily and they looked like you could slice your hand open if you touched them. His once slim, yet muscular arms were bony and they looked so fragile. This was what worried me most, Dan loved his food so if he wasn’t eating that wasn’t a good sign.   
He also seemed so fatigued, his breath raspy and short. He hadn’t run here, but the tube must have taken it out of him.   
“Dan? Are you okay?”   
“I don’t think so.”  
“What’s happened? Is it Astrid?”  
“I…” He faltered, catching his words before they came out his mouth.   
“Dan?” I prompted.   
“I’m going to call off the wedding.”


	4. I'll be the best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's not doing so good, and they talk about their feelings and then Dan falls asleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me for this long, and I plan to keep writing this fic cause I really like it

“I’m going to call off the wedding.” Dan said, his voice trembling and I could sense either tears or rage coming next.  
“What? No.” I replied, almost speechless. I mean, I was kinda glad he wasn’t going to marry Astrid, but I at least needed to know why.  
“I’m not in love with Astrid anymore. Since you told me you still loved me, and this sounds so cheesy, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. And I’ve been so chained to the wedding, so chained to a woman I don’t love, I haven’t had time to do anything. I’m barely eating, barely sleeping – even less than we used to get.” As he spoke, I could see Dan’s bottom lip beginning to tremble, like it did when he was just about to cry.  
“Dan, look” I held my head in my hands, pushing my fringe back. “Come home with me, you can cry all you want there.”  
“How did you know I was going to cry?”  
“Your bottom lip starts wobbling, and your voice quietens. Your hands shake a little, and you don’t push your fringe out your eyes.” I’d seen Dan cry a few times, most of it was over fairly big things. He’d done a lot of crying throughout the whole existential crisis, nearly every day for about three weeks I’d find him sobbing somewhere around the house. Then there was the time when he had his first proper fight with Astrid, and he came running to me (the first and last time before today). I remember all those times he’d opened himself up, just on the days when he had been feeling so bad that we’d cuddle on the sofa and watch old TV.  
“You really know a lot about me.” He stretched and his t-shirt pulled up enough to expose a tiny gap of stomach, which was as skinny as the rest of him.  
I stood up, holding a hand out for him, which he took and I pulled him up because he didn’t seem strong enough to do it on his own.  
“That’s what comes from falling in love with you.” I sighed. Dan knew I had once loved him, so this wasn’t really a secret anymore.  
  
We travelled back to mine in almost complete silence, Dan looked nervous for the whole journey. He finally relaxed when I was unlocking the door to my flat.  
We walked along the long hall way in silence, until I opened the door to the living room and Dan threw himself into the sofa, knees pulled up and his head dropped into his hands.  
Then he began to sob silently into his hands, all I could hear were quiet sniffles. His body heaving up and down heavily as he breathed. I knew that there was no way I’d get a word out of him for the next five minutes, so I went into the kitchen and made some tea. Tea always calmed him down, I was never a big fan, but seeing Dan this distressed, I had to stay calm.  
I walked through the gap in the wall between the kitchen and living room, holding the two mugs. I set one down on the table, and sat opposite Dan on the long sofa, my position mirroring his.  
"You always knew what someone needed before they asked." Dan looked up at me.  
"Why are you breaking up with Astrid?"  
"I don't love her anymore. After you told me you still loved me, part of me thought that maybe I was only using her as a distraction from you, and I never really thought it would go this far. But suddenly I was tangled up in a proposal, and the other day I was stood, wearing my wedding suit, looking back at myself in the mirror, and I realised that it wasn’t me looking back. I’m not someone who goes running, I’m not a vegetarian and I’m not in love with Astrid Holloway anymore. I’m in love with Phil Lester.”  
I smirked, but I still wasn’t sure if I loved Dan back that much. I spent enough time getting over him, so why should I want him back.  
“Does Astrid know you’re cancelling the wedding?”  
“Yeah, and she screamed at me, which reduced me to tears. Then she got upset and blamed you…”  
“Me?” I raised my eyebrows, this was not surprising.  
“Yeah, saying you should have moved out sooner, and then she went out. Then I called you.”  
There was a pause, then I realised Dan should talk to her. “Call her, use my landline and make sure you’re certain you want to do this.” I passed him the phone from behind me; with a shaking hand he took it, and dialled her number.  
“Hey, Astrid?”  
_“Hey Dan, calling to change your mind?”_ I could hear her spiteful voice down the phone.  
“I…err…not exactly…” Dan’s voice trembled, I reached out and put a hand on his leg, gently stroking it like we used to.  
_“Well then, spit it out.”_  
“It’s okay.” I whispered, reassuring him.  
“I can’t marry you.”  
There was a long pause, and I could hear heavy breathing down the other end of the line. _“I guess it was inevitable. I saw the way you looked at Phil, you never really looked at me like that. Is he there?”_  
Why did she want to talk to me?  
Dan handed me the phone, “Hey. I don’t know whether an apology is suitable?” I asked, calmly.  
_“Don’t bother,” She sighed, thinking for a moment. “Looking back on everything now, I wasn’t the best girlfriend, or fiancé. I really wasn’t. But Phil, Dan’s in a fragile state at the moment. He’s weak and vulnerable. All he needs now is security and permanence. If he wants, he can stay with you. I’ll sort out the wedding issues.”_  
She seemed so calm and so gentle, like it barely bothered her. “Okay, call me if you need any help with the cancelling of venues. I’m happy to pay any costs, I feel a bit guilty.”  
_“I’ll let you know. Phil, look after him in the way I couldn’t. You know him best. Be the best he’s got.”_  
“I’ll see you round.” I hung up the phone, and looked over to Dan who had fallen asleep on the sofa.

Not wanting to wake him, I tiptoed to the other bedroom upstairs and grabbed the blanket from off the bed. I got back downstairs, and draped the blanket over the sleeping Dan. He shuffled a little, but didn’t wake up.  
I watched him sleep for a little while, and as he slept, the fatigue on his face seemed to fall away, and he looked like his old self again. I knew that when he woke up, he’d be getting a long bath and pizza. That was what he always needed.


	5. Long Overdue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil has to go and get some of Dan's things from his flat.  
> They film a video. It's a cute and nice chapter. Finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have ten chapters of this planned, so bear with me, and this chapter is significantly longer than the rest

The next morning I woke up before Dan and I went to find him dozing on the sofa. 

As I went in, he stirred and slowly opened his eyes.   
"Mmmmmm." He groaned and rolled over.  
"Morning sunshine." I said, opening the curtains, flooding sunlight through the French windows.   
"What happened?" Dan groaned and again and pushed himself up.   
"You fell asleep on the couch."   
"Shit I'm sorry." He stood up a little too quickly and wobbled, I grabbed his arm before he had time to fall over.  
“Steady dear,” As I held his arm, I realised I could my hand all the way around his wrist, god he’s skinny. “Let’s get you some breakfast.”

He followed me into the kitchen, where he crashed into the small sofa that sits in the corner.  
“What have you got, I could eat a horse.”  
“Pancakes?” I said, pulling out the old Delia Smith recipe book from the shelf.  
Dan must have seen the cover, and I suddenly found him stood next to me. “You kept it!”  
“Yeah,” I flicked to the pancakes page and found all the doodles Dan had left on there over time. “Look, placenta.” I read, pointing to a weird squiggle on the page.  
“Don’t remind me.” Dan rolled his eyes and I began making the batter for the pancakes, as Dan followed closely behind me, closing all the cupboards I’d left behind me. He always did that, it was one of the things he kept doing even when Astrid was around.

When I finished making a batch of pancakes, me and Dan sat down to eat them, covered in chocolate sauce and cream. Dan clearly hadn’t eaten properly in a long time, because he wolfed them down and looked a little ill after eating four.  
“Feeling better?” I asked as we loaded the dishwasher.  
“Much.” It was nice seeing Dan like this, although he was still skeletal, he seemed less drained and fatigued than before. “I need a change of clothes.” He tugged at the collar of his t-shirt.   
“I can lend you something, or if you want, you can have a bath and I’ll go to yours a grab a bunch of stuff.” I had been planning on going anyway, and this seemed like a good opportunity.  
“Erm…I’ll have that bath, and are you sure you don’t mind getting me some stuff? Actually, can I borrow something of yours to put on after the bath?”  
“I’ll get some joggers and a jumper out.”

Fifteen or so minutes later, Dan was in the bath and I was on the way to his flat, carrying the largest suitcase I owned.    
When I reached the flat, I rang the bell to see if anyone was home, but there was no answer so Astrid must have been out. Unlocking the door and running up the stairs into the living room, I found myself in a strangely unfamiliar room, but yet there was a strong sense of belonging. The furniture was basically the same, and nothing had changed place, just the pictures were different; the little knickknacks on the bookshelves were different; the Tetris lamp still stood in front of the fire, but it looked out of place amongst scented candles and handmade ornaments.  
  
After absorbing the new look, I took a peak at my room, now bare of anything that suggested me. The furniture hadn’t been moved and a white sheet covered the bed. It was empty. A blank canvas.

Then I headed to Dan’s room, grabbing the suitcase I’d left on the landing.  
This was the weirdest, it was so, so similar. The same art, the same furniture, the same computer, the same light and even the same atmosphere. But it was cluttered with all of Astrid’s things. A pile of clothes sat on the chair, these weren’t Dan’s; there was a clear split between his and hers.  
“Right,” I said to myself. “Let’s get started.”

As the drawers and wardrobe emptied, the suitcase was reducing in empty space. It was nearly full, and it had to be more selective about what went in.  
I went through a checklist, to make sure I had everything necessary. “Black jeans, check; several t-shirts, check; white shirt, check; enough underwear for a week, check; socks, check; jumpers, check.” I seemed to have everything, but I could do with adding a few more things.  
I opened the drawer he kept joggers and pyjamas in, pulling out a few pairs, they then went into the case; and I just managed to close it by sitting on the top.  
As I sat there, I looked around the room, thinking about all the times I’d found Dan in the middle of the night, crying in the bed and I’d had to say and comfort him. I thought about all the videos we’d made together in this room and how much fun it had been. It made me realise that, although I thought I’d got over him, I did still love him.

As I left the flat, I wrote a note for Astrid, saying I’d been in to grab some of Dan’s things – I’d also taken his laptop, camera and tripod – so she wouldn’t think she’d been burgled.  
I lugged the suitcase into a taxi and I sat in silence, thinking about how I felt so sorry for Astrid, because she had seemed so calm on the phone, and how she deserved a lot better than someone like Dan who just didn’t really suit.

  
“I’m back!” I shouted when I finally got home.  
“Finally! I’m not sure I could cope in this any longer.” Dan appeared, wearing my yellow adventure time hoodie. “It’s so bright.” He looked quite cute in it, but I could tell he didn’t like it.  
“It’s all in here.” I handed the suitcase to Dan, who dragged it upstairs to the second bedroom, leaving a dent in the banister and scuff marks on the walls.

Several minutes later, he appeared in a pair of black jeans, and the cat ears hoodie. I looked up from my position on the sofa, and he twirled.  
“Better?”  
“Much.”  
He came to sit next to me, to see what I was doing on my laptop.  
  
“Thanks for bringing mine and my camera and stuff.” He leant closer to me, his body warmth radiating into me. He quickly read what was on the screen, a quick video plan. “You’re planning a video? Can I see?” He kept leaning closer into my shoulder, and I could feel his warm breath on my neck. Talk about mild sexual tension.  
I didn’t really want him to see the video, because I wasn’t happy with the idea. He kept pestering me so I closed the screen down.  
“Would you like to be in the video Daniel?” I said, mocking anger.  
“I thought you’d never ask.” He rolled his eyes and stuck out his tongue. We’re literal five year-olds. That’s kind of why I love him.  
“You know what’s long overdue?” I had something in mind, and I hoped he would want to.  
“Philisnotonfire!” Dan realised, a broad grin spreading on his face. “What is it, 7?”  
“Yeah, we didn’t do it last year.”  
“Wow, do you want to tweet about it, we’ll need questions after all. I can set up the camera.”  
It was nice seeing him with this new found energy. Perhaps it was knowing he didn’t have a shitty girlfriend to get back to, perhaps it was not having a wedding to plan, or perhaps it was because he was doing something he loved for the first time in a long while.

I pulled my phone out and tweeted _‘Quick! I need questions for a video! You have ten minutes: GO!’  
_ Almost as soon as it was sent, replies came flooding in, most people with questions, but the few dedicated fans were correctly guessing what we had in store. But then, Dan hadn’t tweeted in months, and he hadn’t uploaded since his engagement video back in May.

“All set up in here!” Dan called from my room, which he’d been setting up the camera and lights.  
I wandered in a found him sitting on the bed, holding a black sharpie like it was the Holy Grail.  
“Camera on?” I checked and found it wasn’t. “It is now.” I said as I pressed record.

The beginning of the video was moderately awkward, the questions weren’t that original but he pushed through anyway. As the time passed though, we relaxed into it and it became more fun, it was more natural. Dan spewed out a few ‘your mum’ jokes and the questions and ‘tasks’ became more relaxed. But as with every Philisnotonfire, there’s an arc it goes through. It begins slowly, then it begins to rise and reach its peak, these are the bits we use most of in the final cut, then as we lose energy, it begins to dip again. I could feel this dip coming and so could Dan. I reached the last few questions, I read out one which seemed fine.  
"Phil, be the Statue of Liberty, Dan (if you're there) be a bird circling the flame."   
"Really?" Dan looked at me with a disappointed face.   
"Last one?" I pouted back.  
"Fine." 

I stood in the space between me bed and the wall, one hand on my heart, the other up in the air. Dan stood on the bed, arms stretched out like wings and he stumbled on the bed, thing to run off it and behind me, but as he did so, he slipped and grabbed me, consequently pulling us both onto the bed. 

I landed on top of him, facing down.   
It was like one of those film moments, when the two people slip and they have that awkward 'who's going to talk first' thing. We're so cliché.

As Dan looked up at me, I began to get lost in his eyes. The eyes that I had seen through every emotion, every feeling, and every mood Dan had ever been in. 

I'd seen him happy, sad, excited, bored, and angry. I'd seen those eyes change in a second when he'd gone from peaceful to angry; from tired to tearful; and I'd seen them change when he first told me about her. They had gone from a loving warmth and glow, to an excited sparkle, which died away after a month.  

I was so caught up in my own thoughts, I didn't feel Dan's lips suddenly pressed against mine. I didn't feel the warmth of his skin on my cold cheeks until I consciously pulled myself out of the trance.   
And then I felt the heat radiating out of him, and into me. I felt the electricity sparking in my brain, finally connecting something that should have been connected so long ago.   
And could feel the energy pouring though Dan, and although my eyes were closed, I could sense that he was feeling better already.  

People say to stop time, you should kiss. It's true, it really does work. The seconds seemed to become minutes and it really did seem like forever until we broke apart.   
I opened my eyes, expecting to see a large smile on Dan's face, but instead I was met with a confused and slightly lost expression. This was really worrying, but he's been the one to kiss me first so it was his fault if he didn't feel right.   
"Something wrong?"  
"I've just never kissed a guy before, there's more stubble than girls." And finally he pulled his mouth into a grin.  
"I hate you." I rolled over and lay next to him, laughing as I did so. 

We lay there in silence for a while, breathing heavily. My hand lay next to his, and I slowly interlocked my fingers with his, holding his hand and making myself a promise that I would never let him go (metaphorically speaking of course).

Suddenly, out of the silence, Dan's breathy voice said "We filmed the whole of that."


	6. Staring at the things I love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a filler chapter, i just needed to get the plot sorted for the next few chapters

"We filmed the whole of that." 

"Oh we can edit it out. This isn't a live show." I shrugged, still staring up at the ceiling. 

"Phil," Dan said, rolling over onto his side to face me. "As much as that was great, I don't know if I'm ready for..."

"That kind of commitment?" I finished for him, which was a cliché thing to say. 

"Yeah, I've only just officially broken up with Astrid, and as much as I love you, I really do, I'm still unsteady on my feet." I thought he was going to cry again. 

"Dan, honestly, it's okay. We've got forever." I took my hand, and stroked a piece of hair which had flipped over his face. 

"Well," he sighed. "We better get editing." 

"I suppose we should, but it's quite comfy on the bed." I grabbed a pillow and hugged it tightly.

"Phil, the fans deserve this video more than anything right now. I want to do something for them, because they've done so much for us." Dan sat up, his hair a little ruffled from the duvet. 

"Fine." I threw the pillow to the floor and stood up, taking the camera off the tripod and switching off the light. 

 

It was now almost two am and I was exhausted. 

We were both sat at the desk in the office upstairs, staring at the almost final copy of the video which we had watched about seven times. 

"There's something missing." Dan groaned, running his hands through his hair. 

"What?" I replied, yawning loudly.

"I don't know!" He dropped his head into his hands. "I haven't made a video in like six months." 

"I have an idea, why don't we, go to bed? And see what we think in the morning?" I could have fallen asleep there and then.

"That, my friend, sounds like the best idea ever."

I saved the video and closed the computer down. “To bed.”  
  
The guest bedroom was on the same floor as the office, so all Dan needed to do was go across the corridor, but as I walked down the stairs, I could hear him behind me.

“Is there a reason you’re following me?”

There was a silence, and he looked a little startled. “I wanted to…er…get a glass of water.” Dan stuttered.   
“Sure you did.” I disappeared into my room, and changed into pyjamas. I was just getting into bed, when I heard a soft knock at my door.

“Phil?”   
“What is it Dan?”  
He opened the door a crack, and poked his head inside. “See you in the morning.” He looked drained again, like he did when I met him in Starbucks.   
“Yeah, now go to bed.” I smiled and he disappeared, shutting the door behind him.

 

I could hear his footsteps on the stairs, and finally I heard the door shut to his room. I turned off my light and feel straight asleep; whilst I slept, I dreamt of a world where Dan was still marrying Astrid and I still had to do the best man’s speech.

In the morning I woke up, making a mental note to delete the speech file from my computer and destroy any evidence I had of it.    
I couldn’t hear anything, except the gentle growl of London, so Dan wasn’t up yet. I swung myself out of bed and checked the time.   
10:28

Oh good, it wasn’t too late.

  
I debated staying in bed until Dan got up, but then I had no idea when he’d be up, if at all, so I swung myself out of bed and stretched, groaning as I did so.

I went to make myself some tea and found Dan sitting on the table in the kitchen, wearing only joggers and holding a mug of something. He was gazing straight out the window opposite, and didn’t seem to notice me come in. I walked straight past him and he didn’t even blink.   
“Dan?” I asked waving a hand in front of his face.

He jumped and almost dropped his tea. “Argh! Shit! Phil don’t do that.” He grumbled.   
“You’re the one who was day dreaming. Care to share?” I jumped up next to him on the table.   
“I was just thinking…that you know how I didn’t want any commitment?”   
“Yeah?” I prompted.   
“Well, I was thinking last night, that maybe I need something stable. Something I can rely on. Whilst I get everything else figured out.” Dan stared straight ahead still.   
“So you’re saying..?”   
“That I do want to…”  
“You do?”

“I do.”  
“Well this is unexpected, but I like it.”

“But, can we not tell anyone, just in case…”   
“In case it doesn’t go so well? Sure.”   
I was glad Dan was happy to commit to us, it was less of a worry on my shoulders, and I think something off of his. This was how he was most comfortable, and most relaxed, when he could just be.   
From the way he held his body, I could tell he was tired and he hadn’t gotten much sleep. I slipped an arm around his waist and he leant into me, head falling onto my shoulder. The perks of him being just a little taller than me, even if I didn’t like to admit it.

But this was him in his most honest and real state. This was just one of the many reasons I loved him

 

“But,” He said suddenly, breaking the silence. “We still have a video to finish.” And with a sudden found energy, he jumped off the table and pulled me with him upstairs to the office.   
“Right okay,” I finally said, getting my bearings again. “Had an idea?”

“Yeah, so you know how we thought it was missing something well…” I didn’t really listen to what he was saying, and I got lost in happily watching him so excited at his idea. I loved seeing him with the spark back behind his eyes. It was so beautiful, and so fulfilling to see him this creative.   
I barely said anything, and let him get on with the idea, he sat staring at the computer, saying things that I could barely hear because I was too busy staring at him.   
“What do you think?” Dan turned to me and I suddenly realised I’d missed all of what he had said and done.   
“I think it’s much better.” I said uncomfortably.   
“You have no idea what I did do you?” He looked a little annoyed, but I knew it would pass.   
“Nope, but I’m sure it’s great. Let me see the video once more and I’ll upload it.”   
He rolled his eyes, but laughed. “Fine.” He played the final copy of the video and, to be honest I knew it was fine, so I didn’t bother to change anything.   
“Dan, you’ve got your spark back.” I uploaded the video, without tweeting about, just to surprise people.

“You’re my spark Phil.” And with that he leant over and kissed me softly on the forehead.

 

The video finally uploaded, the views and comments didn’t stream in as fast as it would have done if I’d let people know. But the comments still arrived, most people happy to see the long awaited video, most people happy to see Dan back. A few people were complaining at the sudden announcement, but most were happy to see it.   
“I’m so glad we did this Phil.” Dan said, and I could feel his eyes on me.    
“Me too.” I whispered, leaning in to kiss him. “It’s of the best decisions I’ve ever made.”  



	7. Running The Show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They finally actually tell everyone

**_CHAPTER 7: RUNNING THE SHOW_ **

_Two months later – November_  
Dan had been living with me for two months now, his official address was the same as mine, and all his things were here. They cluttered up the place but I was used to it. Astrid had moved out of the other flat, and in with her best friend. I’d spoken to her a couple of times, just to check she was doing okay. And she was, she seemed freer than when she’d been with Dan. I think now she realised that she could finally spread her wings. Not that Dan’s a burden, but I also said they were never the best together.  
  
He had to tell the fans that the wedding had been called off, they were understanding and I have a sneaky suspicion that not many of them liked her. But with the new Philisnotonfire video, he got back into YouTube, got back to making ‘Reason’s why Dan’s a fail (yay)’. He got back into Internet Support Group and back into the gaming videos, I still had Dil saved so now he was going strong.

Everything was falling, if a little messily into place.  
  
_January 30_ th  
I woke up to an empty space in the bed and the smell of waffles spiralling in from the kitchen. Dan was up already, making me waffles for my birthday. He was the best person for small gestures like this, he’d end up surprising me nearly every day with something like this. I couldn’t help but fall in love with him more and more.  
After I got up, we had breakfast then spent the morning lounging around in our pyjamas. I opened cards and presents from friends and family. Lots of gift cards and voucher this year, lots of socks and an adventure time t-shirt from PJ. There had been no indication to what Dan had got me, but when he told me to get changed and that we’d be going out soon I knew something was going on.  
We took the tube along to Covent Garden, and walked up to Seven Dials. I knew what we were doing as Dan rummaged into his pocket and pulled out two tickets to see Matilda – which I’ve wanted to see forever.

The show was brilliant and we got to meet the cast afterwards because, Dan ‘knew a guy’. I hate not being out to anyone at the moment, because we can’t hold hands in public, can’t hug, can’t really do anything apart from when we’re home. But it takes time, Dan’s still suffering a bit and so am I; we’ve had our rough patches and we both know that we have to keep going at our own pace.

 

_Three months later: Playlist Live_

“Phil?” Dan said, sticking his head round the door as I straightened my hair in our shiny hotel bathroom.  
“Yeah?” We had one of the playlist parties to go to, but neither of us really wanted to go.  
“You ready?” Dan looked tired again, but this was his first con since we got back together. He had the right to be overwhelmed.  
I put the straighteners down and switching them off. “Yeah,” I left the bathroom, and Dan stayed leaning against the door. “You okay?” I turned around to see him looking a little forlorn and worried.  
“I’m just not sure how ready I am for this.”  
I went over to him, and placed my hands on his arms, gently rubbing his soft skin with my thumbs. “Hey, it’s going to be fine. We can go for a bit, but not stay too long, how does that sound?”  
“Fine, thanks for understanding.” He lifted his head and looked at me.  
I stared back into those dark eyes and kissed him softly to reassure him.

 

We headed downstairs to the party in the bar, most people were there when we got there, so conversations were rippling throughout the room. We went to get some drinks and found Tom at the bar, chatting to Hazel.  
“Hey guys.” Tom said, turning around to include us.  
“Hey, how are you? I haven’t spoken to you properly in ages.” I asked, continuing the conversation, and not putting Dan on the spot.  
“I’m good, we were just saying, that who do you think will be running this show in ten years’ time?” By ‘this show’ he meant youtube and all the cons we are ‘forced’ to go to.

“Probably the Troye.” He’d still only be thirty, and thirty isn’t that old (or so I keep telling myself).  
Until now, Dan had stayed silent, but suddenly he piped up. “Nah, Troye’ll be off with a best-selling album or a modelling career. It’s going to be the kids from Charlie bit my finger.”  
“Of course!” Hazel exclaimed. “The original content creators!” She laughed her cute little Irish laugh, and soon we all joined in, Dan was back in his element and he was running on beer and adrenaline.

 

The party dragged on a bit and suddenly it was getting kinda late/early the next morning; I could see Dan was lagging a bit and I decided to call it a night.  
I pushed my way through a crowd of people to find him. “Hey Dan? Do you want to head upstairs?”  
“I’d like to, but there’s a nice terrace outside and I’d like to sit and watch the stars with you.” That’s romantic, and cute and adorable and so Dan.  
“Sure.” We headed outside and found a secluded bench which was out the way of the main view, but we could still see the twinkling sky.  
I sat normally, whilst Dan lay down on the cushioned bench, his head in my lap. My left hand lay flat on his stomach, held in place by both of he; my right softly stroked his hair, running my fingers through it and feeling its cold on my skin.

Dan was looking up at the stars, but I was looking down at him. I could still remember that day when I saw how skinny he was, when his skin was like chiffon draped over a loose frame. Now he’s put on weight again, not that he’s overweight, but his cheeks are fuller, arms are stronger and he is just so much healthier. It took some time to get him to eat regularly again; neither of us never decided if he was anorexic or something, but it was a long process getting him back to full health. But together we did it. He would have some days where he’d eat like a horse, yet others where he’d not come out of his room. Some days he goes back to that old room and stays there. These things take time, and he’s still got a long way to go, but with everything step backward, there’s another two forward. Usually.

 

I’m so engrossed in my own thoughts and the contours of Dan’s face, I don’t hear Louise come outside and spot us.  
“Hey Phil!” So she can’t see Dan from where she’s standing, “And Dan!” Shit, she’d seen him too before he had the chance to sit up. “You’re not?” Are you?” And know she’s realised what she’d seen.  
There’s no going back now, Dan’s noticed and he’s realised she’s seen us. There’s a mildly annoyed expression on his face, but it’s mixed with relief. There’s no point for him to move, so we stay.  
“Yeah.” I finally reply to Louise, who’s got a large smile spread across her face.  
“Finally,” She sighs and rolls her eyes. “Do you know how long everyone’s been praying for this?”  
Dan sits up, and I can move again. “Yep, have you met the fans?”  
“I guess, do you want people to know? Or not? Or what?” She leans on the back of the bench, jumping up and down with moderate excitement.  
I look to Dan to see what he thinks.  
“How many people are still inside?” He gestures to the door.

“Everyone I think, we’re all such party people.” She shrugs.  
Dan looks back to me and I know that expression. It’s the ‘I’m thinking what you’re thinking, but you’re hoping you’re wrong’ expression and I know what he wants to do.  
“I hate you.” I mumbled, standing up, Dan copying me.  
“Don’t tell anyone yet Lou.” Dan says and we all walked back inside.  
She goes in first, leaving us outside for a second.  
“What made you decide?” I asked Dan.  
“Well, I think it’s been getting too much to try and keep it secret and eventually someone was going to find out.” He said, and pulled me through the open door.  


Back inside, everyone is still there and the conversations are still rippling. As we pass a group of people, including Jack, Tyler and Evan, I hear my and Dan’s names come up. It’s definitely the right time to tell people.  
Dan walks over to the bar, and requests for the music to be paused, I follow a little further behind. He then claps loudly to get everyone’s attention, they all turn to look at him, and then to me.  
I catch Lou’s eye and all she can do is giggle.

“Right!” Dan announces, all eyes on him. “So a lot of you will have some thoughts as to the current friendship status between myself and Phil here. Many of you think that we are in fact dating,” I don’t know what he’d going to say and if this is his way of breaking up with me then I’m going to hit him with a fish.  
“I’d like to settle those allegations once and for all,” He continues, and I can feel more people looking at me. “Phil if you’d like to come here?” He looks over to me and gives me a tiny nod.  
I walk over, and stand awkwardly next to him “We are, and have been dating for the past five months.” He pulls me into a brief kiss as hell ensues in the room.  
As I pull back, I hear Dean yell “JACK HOWARD YOU OWE ME TWENTY QUID!”  
 


	8. In Front Of All The Others

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack Howard is being moderately annoying but it's kinda fine

It felt good telling everyone, it was nice that we could be ourselves around them finally, although I guess we still had to be careful in public because of any possible fans seeing us. But then again, I could see a new type of confidence rippling in Dan as we stood and chatted to some of the other YouTubers at the party, and I knew that he’d be happy to tell people soon. 

“I remember you breaking with, what was her name again?” Jack asked Dan.   
“Astrid, yeah.” He mumbled, still a slightly sensitive topic and he wasn’t really ready to talk about that yet. Jack noticed and caught my eye, I shook my head so he knew to change the subject.   
“But yeah, this is not really unexpected.” He continued, moving on from Dan’s ex. “I mean, I’ve read the fan fics.”   
“No, no, no you haven’t have you? Holy shit.” Dan exclaimed, rubbing his hands on his face in mock exasperation.   
“I think they’re quality pieces of literature and should be protected in an apocalypse.” Jack laughed.   
Dan joined in, and I just relaxed seeing Dan like this again. He’d been more awkward earlier but now he was back in his element and I was to. I slipped an arm around his waist, and he looked startled, but then he remember that we had literally just told everyone and he calmed down.   
“The thing is now,” Dan said, “Half of them are going to be true.”   
“What like the _Hat Fic_?” Jack teased.   
I rolled my eyes and scowled, both Dan and I had read it. That was a scarring experience. “Still gives me nightmares that does.”  
“What the fic or the actual experience?” Dan asked, joking at my unfortunate mistake.   
“I’m going to leave now if you two don’t stop.” I held my nose in the air and looked away, trying to hide the smirk on my face.   
“Aww baby I’m sorry.” Of course Dan wouldn’t apologise properly, and he’d go all sappy and sarcastic. I felt him move from next to me, and suddenly he was stood in front of me. There’s a problem with this because he’s still taller than me and I just have to look up at him.   
When I do look up, I see a pathetic pout on his face and a cheeky twinkle in his eyes.   
“I hate you.” I mutter, and press a kiss into his cheek.   
“Well,” Jack suddenly surprises us both. “I don’t mind people being gay and that, but I’d rather you didn’t publicise it. I don’t like having it forced onto me.” He puts on a fake annoying accent.   
  
Although it’s funny, I realise this is what we’re going to have to deal with now. Ah well, I’ve got Dan and that’s all that matters.   
“Go suck a dick.” Dan sighs and laughs, flicking his fringe out his face, but now he’s stood on the other side of me, he hits me in the head with his hand.   
“Ouch!” I whine at him, it’s my turn to pout now. Dan turns back to me, and kisses the spot where he hit me.   
“God you two are sappy.” Jack rolls his eyes and wanders off, leaving me and Dan alone in the corner of the room. Once he’s gone, Dan pulls me closer and kisses me harder this time. It begins on the spot where he hit me, but soon he’s kissing me more forcefully on the mouth and suddenly his hands are in my hair and I can tell this isn’t going to stop at just a kiss.   
I pull back, and whisper “As much as I would like to do you right here, right now, can you at least hold out till we get to the room.”   
He nodded, and I pulled him through the people at the party, muttering goodbyes with excuses to why we were leaving so quickly.   
Just as I left, I heard someone mutter “They’re going to fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're going to fuck in the next chapter ;)


	9. Control Your Breathing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they have sex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isn't in anyway important to the plot, so if you don't want to read it, don't read it

The lift seemed to take forever to reach our floor, but finally the doors opened and I pulled Dan along the corridor and to our room.   
Once we were inside I pushed Dan up against a wall, my hands gripping his waist tightly.   
I leant forward and planted my lips against Dan’s, kissing him forcefully, but not harshly. Dan kissed back, his hands were clasped around my neck, pulling my closer. This kiss was electric and buzzing, we were both so filled with adrenaline and some alcohol after the party. Then I slid my hands around his back, they stroked down to the back of his thighs, and I pulled Dan’s legs up to around my waist.   
Pulling apart quickly, Dan whispered “Are you sure you can hold me?”   
“Yes.” I mumbled back as I placed soft kisses into his neck. He loved that, it always turned him on. The fans thought he hated having his neck touched, but really he loved it so much it was almost like a fetish.   
I felt Dan’s legs tighten around my waist as he put more faith in me to hold him up, but the wall behind him was also helping somewhat; and I felt Dan’s hands move from around my neck to the bottom of his shirt, but it got stuck on the wall and he couldn’t get it off.   
“Hold on.” Dan jumped down, barely stopping kissing me so he could pull his top off and it was thrown to the floor.   
“Bed. Now.” I commanded – it’s a well suggested theory that I top in bed, and I do, but the fans can never know. Dan jumped onto the bed, lying face up, his arms behind his head, stretching out his lightly tanned and now much shapelier torso.

 

I stood at the end of the bed, watching and teasing him as I slowly pulled off my t-shirt and threw it to the floor. I also noticed the bulge that had appeared under his jeans.   
I climbed onto the bed and began to plant kisses just above his waistline, where his other most sensitive spot was. Under every kiss, I could feel him tensing and trying not to twitch or move. I could was so close to his body I could also feel his erection getting harder and harder.   
As I worked my way up to his neck, I felt his hands at trying to undo my belt and pull my jeans off. His cold hands occasionally brushed against my bare skin, causing me to shiver and tense a little.   
“You’re so cute when you do that.” He whispered, voice barely above silence. Finally, I felt my belt being pulled from around my waist and Dan’s hands were unzipping my jeans.   


I reached his neck and began to kiss on his most sensitive areas, I would kiss them suck on his warm skin a little, but gradually I began to suck a bit harder, knowing that I would be leaving hickeys. As I did so, Dan tensed again, and I could feel the energy surging through his body, gradually as he got more and more turned on by the touch of my lips against his neck.   
I worked my way to his lips and pressed my own into his, pushing him down into the pillow, his hair messing up and making his look all the more attractive. Goddammit, he looked so fucking hot like this, I wanted to take so many photos and share them with the world; just to show them how hot my boyfriend was.   
Our mouths were moving in sync, and Dan’s hands had moved from my jeans and now they held waist. Holding me down and close into him. I slowly pulled away, just so I could whisper to him.   
“I’m craving you right now.” I moved off and lay down face up on the bed next to where he was. Dan moved and he knelt next to my crotch. His hands finally pulled off my jeans, taking my pants with them. I was semi-hard already. I reached to the bedside table which had a handy bottle of lube – cherry of course – on it. I handed it to Dan, who squeezed some onto his hands, and began to stroke up and down my cock.

The lube on his hands was cold at first, and I shivered again, feeling the blood going into my erection. Dan’s movements were slow at first, he gently rubbed his hand up and down, but he began to sped up, I could control myself more than when we did it the first time; that was certainly an interesting day.

  
I suddenly felt Dan’s lips kissing my tip, and I could feel the inside of his mouth and his tongue against my cock. The warmth radiated out from his mouth and I breathed deeply as he took it deeper. I could tell it was almost at the back of this throat, and I looked down to see him almost at the base of my cock. I arched my neck and pulled my head back so I was looking at the ceiling. I heard a heavy sign and felt Dan’s mouth off my cock.

By now, I was fully hard, and I could feel the energy pulsing through me.   
I sat up and swung off the bed, commanding Dan to take his jeans off. As I walked around behind him, his jeans landed on the floor by my feet and I saw his already full erection.

I climbed onto the bed behind him, and now he was lying face first into the bedding. I picked up the bottle of lube and squeezed some on to my hands and then rubbing it over my cock.   
“I’m going to stretch you a little bit okay?” I always asked Dan before putting anything in.   
“Sure.”   


I put one finger in Dan’s hole, and felt him tighten up in mild surprise, but he relaxed almost immediately. I held it in there for, just so Dan could get used to it, and I slowly inserted another finger. He didn’t tense this time and this meant he was ready. After a small amount of time, filled with Dan’s heavy breathing and slight groaning from him, I pulled both fingers out and began to rub the tip of my cock against his hole.   
As he felt it, he gasped and then exhaled heavily. I knew he would take it.   
I pushed it into his hole slowly, just to make sure he didn’t object, but there was only the sound of his breathing. I reached around, and wrapped one had around his own hard cock and began to rub up and down, like he had done to me earlier.   
“Phil,” His voice came out shaky and I started to thrust my hips backwards and forwards, constantly pumping my cock into him, my hand moved in sync with my body, and soon we were both moving backwards and forwards together.   
Whilst one hand rubbed along his cock, the other was against his stomach, holding him close to me and so we could be the most comfortable. Under this hand, I could feel his stomach tensing up and I knew he was going to come soon. As I continued to thrust into him, I felt my own cum nearly coming out, but I have taught myself to hold back and I did.   
But I felt some of Dan’s warm pre-cum on my hand, and leaning round a little, I saw some damp drops on the bedding – which fortunately was white – and I knew Dan was close.   
I pressed my hips into his harder and faster and I moved my hand quicker and quicker along his shaft.   
“Phil!” He cried out and I felt the warm liquid drip on my hand. At this, I felt myself come into Dan, and I knew he could feel my warm cum inside of him.   
“Oh my god!” I cried and suddenly my breathing was irregular and shallow. I could hear Dan’s and I knew it was to.

I pulled out and knelt back on the bed, staring at Dan’s squeezable ass. He collapsed from his all four position and rolled over on to his back.

His big brown eyes stared back at me and I could see he was out of breath – I was too, but he can never know – I lay down next to him, on my side, so I could see him. I planted a soft kiss into his neck, in one of the spots I could see the hickeys getting gradually redder and redder.

“We’ve got a panel tomorrow.” He said, staring up at the ceiling.   
“So?” I knew what he was going to say.   
“So it’s like thirty degrees, and I don’t have anything to hide those with.” He moaned at me, rubbing the love bites on his neck.   
“Lucky I brought some make up then.” I don’t quite know why I packed it, and I don’t remember doing it, and I found it in my case when we arrived, but this seemed like the reason I brought it I guess.   
“Okaayyy…” Dan said, a bit confused, but he seemed fine with the idea.   
I rolled over and checked the clock, 3:23 am. “Can we get some sleep, I need my sleep.” I pulled on the joggers which were crumpled by the bed, and Dan stretched to put on his. Once he had them on, I pulled the duvet over us, and cuddled into Dan. I was always the big spoon, even though he’s taller than me.   
Just before we feel asleep, I whispered into Dan’s ear. “I really like fucking you.”

I got a quiet reply of “Language Philip.”   
And soon we were both asleep.


	10. Home Is Where The Heart Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They move back into the old flat, but it's kinda tense

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said this was going to be ten chapters, but i'm still not done but i have a great ending and you should stick with this because it's the only chaptered fic I've ever stuck with

_September – one year since Dan called off the wedding_

I really can’t believe it. I really can’t believe that it’s been a year. It’s just gone so fast. But then, it’s been an amazing year and I’m so glad Dan was with me for the whole thing. It seems so perfect, and so complete, but there’s one thing holding both of us back. Holding both of us away from true comfort.

“You know it’s still empty right?” Dan and I are sitting on the balcony, looking out over the city, which is gradually being filled with darkness.  
“I know, I was sure it would go soon.” I replied.  
“But it was in an expensive part of the city.”  
I pause for a moment, I do love this flat, and I love sharing it with Dan, and although I always said that I was happy to get out of the other one, I do miss it.  
“Dan, are you happy here?”  
“By here you mean..?”  
“This flat?”  
“Yeah, but only because I’m sharing it with you. But I really miss it back there. I miss the memories that were so ingrained in the atmosphere.” He stared into the sunset, watching the last rays of light disappear behind the London skyline.  
“Then let’s move. This one’s not going to be hard to sell, it’s not in the most expensive area and it’s kinda small.”  
“Just like that?”  
“Just like that.” I leaned across the table and planted a kiss on his cheek, reassuring him it would be alright.  


_Two months later – November_  
We’re officially moving in again. I can still remember the day we first moved in after Manchester. I still remember the look on Dan’s face when we knew that this was home.  
But I can still remember when I moved out, the look on Dan’s face, and the longest hug he gave me. I remember driving the van off and- oh shit, he said something to me that I never got to hear because of the noise of the engine.  
“Dan?” I ask as we pack up the last few boxes into the van we hired. It’s a bit like déjà vu right now.  
“Yeah?”  
“Remember when I moved out? And you said something to me, just as I left?”  
“Vaguely, why?” He puts the box down, and turns to me.  
“I never heard what it was.”  
“I was going to say, Phil I…” He paused.  
“I what?” I prompt, eager to find out what it was.  
“I have no idea what it was. It was ages ago.” Dan smiles and starts packing up the van again.  
I’m moderately annoyed, but then again, Dan’s so forgetful, it doesn’t really surprise me that he’s forgotten.  
“You going to help or what?”  
I’m pulled out of my own thoughts by Dan’s voice. “Yeah, sorry.”

The final box fits into the van, and it’s time to go. We left the keys with the neighbours to give to the new owners. I have the van licence, so I have to drive along a strangely familiar route. Dan’s really buzzing for this, and I can see the energy pulsing through him. As we turn into the old road, it’s like visiting an old friend. We pass each of our neighbours’ houses, remembering then by face but no one ever knew their names.  
Finally, I pull up outside our old house and I feel at home again. There’s nowhere to park along here, so I pull onto the pavement and Dan hops out. I follow him around to the side of the van, where he stands looking up at the front of the house.  
I wrap an arm around his shoulders and he rests his head on my arm. “We’re home Dan. We’re actually home.”  
“I know, and it feels so good. Do you think that the guy below still has sex loudly?”  
“I don’t know, but maybe he’ll have some competition.” I winked at Dan who looked at me with an open mouth.  
“Philip Lester,” He scowled. “I am not loud in bed.”  
“That’s a lie and you know it,” I teased as I opened the back doors to the van. “Go get the door key please.”  
He goes and rings the bell. Whilst he stands there waiting for an answer, I begin to take the larger items out the back of the van.  
Finally, out the corner of my eye, I see the door open and our old neighbour hand Dan the keys.  
Dan walks back over to me. “He called me Rick.” He scowls and sticks the keys in his pocket.  
“Hashtag Rickisnotonfire.” I chuckled and handed Dan a box of mugs. The most important in my opinion. “Come on then.”

I follow Dan back into the house and up the stairs. God, I’d forgotten how many fucking stairs there were, it’s also harder because I’m carrying a box of shoes.  
Finally we reach the landing and I drop the shoes, Dan carefully places the mugs down.  
The flat looks basically the same as when I last saw it, when I went to go and get Dan’s stuff. It’s a lot emptier and there’s no decoration, but it was ours for so long, it seems to glow and leak with our personalities.  
Dan heads into his old room, and I head into mine. Nothing has changed, it’s all the same. Except from the missing decoration, but my trunk is still there, the mattress has a plastic cover on it and so does the chest of drawers, but other than that it’s the same.  
I go to find Dan in his room and he’s stood still, in the middle of the room. He seems angry at something, and he’s tense.  
“Dan? What’s wrong?” I can’t see any change to the room, but then, I wasn’t here as long.  
“I shared this room with _her”_ He seemed to spit it out. “I slept with her in her, I had sex with her in here.” His voice came out gravelly and snarling. Dan was one to rarely get angry so I had a right to be worried about him. And I thought he was basically fine with it anyway.  
“But remember, before that,” I stood next to, and took his hand in mine. “You didn’t, although we never shared this room officially, we made so many videos in here. There were many times when I found you in here, having an existential crisis and I’d have to comfort you. I remember the days when you’d fall asleep on the bed, fully clothes with my arm wrapped around you and all the times I wished I’d told you I loved you.  
“Dan, remember the fun we had in the whole apartment, making the baking videos, Dan and Phil Games upstairs in the office, Dan and Phil crafts even. Making the Photo Booth challenge, Just Dance. Remember all of those.” As I spoke, I could feel his grip relaxing and he calmed down.

“Oh, Phil I remember them so well. But, can we sleep in your room for the moment. Although I fell much more are home, this room seems alien to me.” Dan rested his head on my shoulder.  
“Yeah, but let’s make it yours again. Instead of the blank canvas it to now.”

And so the rest of the day passed, Dan and I brought things in from the van, and began to unpack the boxes, putting everything back where they had been. I caught Dan stood in the doorway to his room a couple of times, with a blank expression on his face. This was going to be the hardest part of moving back in.  
Evening came and Dan was sitting on the sofa, watching some crappy TV whilst he thought I sorted out the last of my clothes.  
However, I had finished a while ago, and was now in Dan’s room, putting everything back where it had been. The lights went on the headboard, the computer went back on the desk. The clothes went back in the wardrobe, the shoes in their old floor space and I even opened the piano lid, ready to be played.  
Suddenly I heard him enter the room behind me. “Phil? What are you d-” He stopped midsentence to take in what had happened.  
“What do you think?” I asked nervously, not looking at him because I could sense anger rising up inside him.  
“I…don’t have anything to say. But if I did, it wouldn’t be positive.” He snapped at me.  
“I just thought…” Why did I decide to do this?  
“Well you thought wrong!”


	11. You Never Thought Of Anyone Else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i needed an argument to make the plot a bit better so here's one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here we are at chapter 11, i have about four more chapters planned so yeah keep reading i guess

“Well you thought wrong!” Dan stormed out of the room, leaving the door open behind him. Did he want me to follow him and beg for forgiveness? There was no way he was getting that. I try to do these things I think will be nice, but nearly every time they blow up in my face. Then when I don’t try, he accuses me of being lazy and how he does all these nice things for me.   
I guess I was a bit hasty with putting everything back, I should have waited. But then how long would I have had to listen to Dan saying ‘not today, I’m not feeling up to it’. I don’t want to let this simmer or continue like everything is normal.

I go and find Dan curled up on the sofa. His knees were close to his chest, and he had his head down. This was like he sat when he came back to my old place after he told me the wedding was off.   
There’s no sound of gentle sobbing and he’s so still he couldn’t be crying. Clearly, he heard me come in because he turns his head just a little to look at me.   
I go and sit on the edge of the table, staring out the window at the road below. It started raining, and the street is empty of all life. Occasionally a car goes past, spraying water over the pavement when it drives through the puddles.

I sit there staring into the rain that batters against the fragile pane of glass, I realise how much me and Dan relied on this house to stay sane. It was what kept us together for so long and we came back to it at the earliest possible opportunity. I know what I did was wrong, but I won’t let Dan win straight away. I’ve got a few things I need to get out my system. I didn’t realise until now, but he irritates me so much.

“I’ve always loved watching the rain,” Dan’s voice is quiet behind me. “Reminds me of-”  
“Of the rainy days we’d sit and skype each other, of the first day we ever met and we had to run from the station to my house.” I don’t move from my position on the table.   
“Yeah.” And there’s silence again. But Dan has an explosive temper and I know he’ll shout again. My temper is quiet, I never shout and I haven’t yelled in a while.

Suddenly I feel the tension in the room overload and Dan’s shouting. “I told you not to! I asked you to leave it alone until I was ready!” His voice resonates around the small room.   
“But when would you be ready? A day? A week? A month?” My voice is quiet yet forceful as I turn around.    
“I DON’T KNOW!” He screams, and suddenly he’s stood up. “But you didn’t either, and that’s why you were wrong!”  
“But heaven forbid, if I do anything without your permission suddenly I’m the bad guy.” I snap.   
“So now it’s my fault?”   
I snarl, “Maybe it is.” Standing up in front of him. Fuck, I hate being shorter than him.   
“I can’t believe you Phil, I really can’t.” Suddenly his voice is loud again, as if he has to establish dominance.   
Right, I’ve got a lot to get out of my system so here goes. “Yeah? Well sometimes I can’t believe you either. I put up with so much of your shit, from your fucking existential crisis to you breaking up with your fiancé. From watching you drop out of university which, by the way, cannot be used as an excuse for everything; to you calling off a wedding.   
So you know what would be nice? A little sympathy for me just for once, because I’m not allowed to have problems. I’m not allowed to go through rough patches without you comparing it to your own problems. I have to stay happy constantly and the be there for you and be there to calm you in the middle of the night and make you mugs of tea and get you the blanket and fuck knows what else. And I never asked for anything in return. But then I became glass box. I’ve been a shiny and clean glass case, housing a dying and broken person.   
So yeah, maybe I make some stupid decisions, but these were all for you.” I manage to keep my voice level for the whole of this, I’d applaud myself if it weren’t so inappropriate.   
Dan’s expression has gone from angry and malicious to worried and scared. I suppose we haven’t argued like this in a long time and maybe he’s not used to seeing this side of me. But soon he switches back to anger and he’s shouting again. Yay.   
“Well, maybe if you’d never told me you loved me I would never have broken up with Astrid and we wouldn’t be in this mess.”  
“You’re calling this a mess? Your entire engagement was a mess. This is practically tidy in comparison.”   
“I loved her!” What kinda of a point is that? Not relevant.   
“Did you? Did you really?   
“I…” He falters. “I don’t know.” And it falls quiet again, not just Dan’s voice but it’s quiet in the room. The atmosphere has thickened throughout this argument.

I can see he’s more upset than anything now. “You never did. You liked her, and she loved you so you thought you loved her back.” My voice is still quiet, but it’s softer and calmer.   
“And you knew, didn’t you? You knew I never loved her. You were the first to realise, then she did and I was the last one to realise that I loved you.”   
There’s quiet again, and I sit back on the table, Dan goes back onto the sofa, curling up but not so tight this time.

“I’m sorry about the room,” He says. “I over reacted.”  
“No, I should have waited.”   
“Phil, if you hadn’t, we wouldn’t have had this argument and I wouldn’t have realised how selfish I had been.”   
“No, you weren’t selfish.”  
“Yes, Phil, yes I was.” Dan sighed, and I think he finally realised how bad it had hurt me.   
“Well,” I smirked. “Glad that’s sorted.”   
“Me too.” Dan smiled back, although it was a little sad.

The evening drew to a close and soon it was nearly midnight. Dan and I had spent the evening watching X files on TV. The sad thing was, normally we’d be cuddled into each other, but tonight the tension was still lingering and neither of us felt like cuddling.   
“Bed?” Dan looked across me.   
“Sure.” I stood up and turned the TV off. Dan followed me into my room, and we both got into bed. Again, we’d usually cuddle in bed, but both of us lay next to each other, not even touching.

“Night.” I turned the light off and rolled over onto my side, facing away from Dan.   
“Night.” He stayed still, lying there staring at the ceiling.   
I was just beginning to doze off when I heard Dan’s voice quietly say. “I remember what I said to you the day you left. I said ‘Thank you for an amazing seven years. I can’t do this without you. I need you.”   
The fact that he remembered makes me smile, even in my sleepy state.   
I roll over and kiss him softly on the nose.   
“And I can’t do this without you either.”


	12. As The Storm Draws In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they finally do the thing that's been long overdue

_February_

Dan finally relaxed around his old room in the flat, and everything fell back into place. But, and I swear this only ever happens to us, there was something bothering the both of us.   
Our relationship was founded on honesty and trust. We shared everything with each other and I didn’t have a secret from Dan – apart from the fact that I planned to propose soon – so we both knew that we would have to deal with this problem soon.

“Sooner or later they’re going to find out or something.” Dan moaned at me over lunch in Starbucks.   
“I know, so we tell them.” I replied, mildly annoyed had brought this topic up.   
“But how?” He whined at me.   
“Tweet?”  
“No, that’s so casual.”  
“Video?”   
“Maybe, but not now.”  
Was he going to be this difficult? I needed to make a decision. “Fine, it’s Tuesday, you’re doing a live show tonight. We’ll tell them then.” I snapped, but I think Dan got the point.   
“Okay.” He replied forcefully and that was decided.   
Then a lingering silence fell and I could tell Dan had more to say. He always did. He always had so much to say, and I guess I did love him for it because of the way he could talk about anything from fashion to formula one, from movies to modelling, he could talk about everything – except maybe sports.   
“What?”   
“I don’t want to announce it on a live show, it’s so cheap.” He sighed.   
“Then, why don’t we both make coming out videos, and upload the, at exactly the same time. That’ll start a storm.” I was running out of options.   
“Much better. We better get home and film.” He gestured to the empty food wrappers on table in front of him and stood up.   
“We’re doing it today? You’ve changed your tune.” I picked up the litter and dumped it in a nearby bin.   
“If you’re going to do it with me, I feel better about it.” We left Starbucks and headed back to the apartment.

Upon reaching home, Dan disappeared into his room and I went into mine. I set up the light, camera, microphone and laptop. Everything was ready except me. This wasn’t going to be easy.   
I sat on my bed, staring at my camera, trying to think of a way to start. I went through all the possible beginning of a video like this. I watched Troye’s, Connor’s, Tyler’s, Joey’s, and anyone I knew who’d made one.   
Suddenly though, I realised I hadn’t heard Dan filming either, The walls were thin enough in this house so we could hear each other talking through the wall, but there had been silence. He was probably having the same problem as me.

I got up and leant on the doorframe of Dan’s room. He hadn’t seem me yet and I watched him drop his head in frustration onto the desk.   
“Don’t know how to start?” I shrugged. “Neither do I.”   
“It’s just so difficult.” He muttered into the desk.   
“Maybe this was harder than we thought. We could do it together?”  
“No, separate ones will be better. But how do I start it?”  
I thought for a moment, then an idea dawned on me. “You know your very first video? Start it like that?”   
I wish I could have filmed the reaction he gave me. His face scrunched into a scowl and he looked like he would have killed me there and then.   
“No.”   
“Then, just start it like a normal video. Don’t write a script, and go with it. If you promise to, I will as well.” I guess if I just pretended it was a normal video, I would be okay.   
“Okay, I better get filming then.” Dan turned back to the camera and I went back into my room.

Sitting down on the bed, I knew that I just needed to do it, and it wouldn’t happen with too much thought. I turned the camera on and just began the video.   
“Hey guys, so I’m sorry it’s been a while since I last made a video, but everything has been a bit busy lately with the radio show, and stuff, but I think this video is quite long overdue and you guys really deserve it. This might not come as a surprise to the one of you in the audience who’ve seen my old dailybooth photos and comments. I’m…” I paused.   
“I’m bi.” There we go. Although I could edit it out later, there would be little point in doing that.   
“See you next week.” I turned the camera off and relaxed, I don’t need to edit it and I can explain later.

I got up and went to see if Dan had finished filming his. There was silence on the other side of the door, so I assumed he was done.   
“Happy?” I asked, watching him take the memory card out of the camera.   
“Very. This was so long overdue, and they did deserve it.”

I watched Dan’s video and he watched mine. Then we both clicked upload at exactly the same time to make sure that they both went up together. We kept radio silence until the 301 views mark, when it was decided to tell the people who hadn’t seen it. I tweeted that I’d uploaded and Dan tweeted the same.    
Immediately there was a storm of tweet replies, comments and Tumblr posts. The majority of them were something along the lines of ‘I fucking knew it!’ or ‘Like that’s a surprise.’   
But everyone took it well.

As Dan and I sat watching TV, my phone beeped with a text from Jack saying ‘Well doneJ’ and Dan got one from Tyler with ‘That takes guts, I should know ;)’.   
“We did the right thing Phil.” Dan snuggled into my shoulder, finding the dip where he knew he could fit his head.  
“Yeah, we did.”


	13. That Should Have Been Me And It Was This Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IT'S THE FINAL CHAPTER DUHDUH DUUH DUH DUDUDUHDUDUUUH (FINAL COUNTDOWN MUSIC)

_Two months later. May. Two years on from when we first met Phil in this situation._

It’s been a year and a half.   
A whole eighteen months.   
It feels like so much longer. But then, the way we were before Astrid was almost the same. Less of the sex and kisses. But basically the same.   
I suppose now we don’t have to be so awkward on camera. We can show the affection for each other and viewers get to see it too. I like not having restrictions anymore. And I think that my love for Dan grows more every day.   
I want to show him how much I love him. But there are so many things I could do. A surprise holiday; an expensive date; a proposal.   
That’s the one that always makes me falter. I always stop there because I know there’d be no other way I could show my love for Dan than asking him to marry me. He’d say yes, well I hope he would.   
But asking someone to marry you isn’t an easy thing to do. Especially not in Dan’s case; he’s already had one failed engagement and that last thing either of us want is another.   
Actually, come to think of it, I was a fairly major contributing factor in the last break up. Never thought of it like that before. Holy shit. I never really apologised. But then again, I never really needed to. Not to Dan and certainly not to Astrid.

Our relationship seems to be going so well I almost can’t fault it. Yes, we have our arguments, but everyone does. So far, there have only been two major ones. The one the day we moved back in, and the one when I nearly gave Dan concussion by leaving the cupboard door open and he went off on one about my annoying habits and I picked out all of his. He moved back into his old room the night after that one. Maybe it was for two nights. I forget. It all seemed to merge into one horrible flaming ball of anger, disappointment, regret and adrenaline.

I really do want to ask Dan to marry me. I know that it would be the right thing to do. It would secure something that it still quite fragile and make it permanent, or a marriage would anyway. That’s the other worry I have. Getting engaged doesn’t mean everything is going to go well from then on. Been there, done that. Or least, Dan has. We’d still have to actually get married to make it proper and know that we both really did want to spend the rest of our lives with each other.   
I know I want to spend mine with Dan. I don’t know if he wants to spend his with me.

A time will come soon when I have to decide whether or not he does. Because one day I’ll just have to pop the question and hope I get the answer I want.   
Maybe today is that day. I feel like I just want to go out and get a ring. Just in case I decide I should ask him sooner or later. Because I know I’m the right person for him.

“Dan!” I called, trying to determine where he was in the house.   
“Yeah.” He appeared at the doorway to the office, headphone around his neck.   
“Oh sorry, you busy?” I’m about to head into town to buy an engagement ring, but clearly I can’t tell Dan this.   
“Not really, just sorting through my computer.” He looks bored, but I need to go out.   
“I’m heading out, you want anything?”   
“How long so you think you’ll be?”   
I honestly have no idea. “Depends how long it takes me to find it.” Dan’s birthday is coming up and, fingers crossed, he should think this is for his birthday.   
“Ooooo, mysterious.” He shrugs and disappears back into the office.

I arrive in the city and head to Hatton Garden where I know all the jewellers are. They should help me find a ring. Right?  
The first shop I go into has a few in the window, for what seem like reasonable prices.   
“Hello sir, how may I help?” The smiley woman behind the counter says, looking up at me with welcoming eyes.   
“I’m…” I falter, I haven’t done anything like this before. “I’m looking for an engagement ring?”   
“Well, we’ve got a range, from the plainer and simpler ones to the more elaborate ones. What’s your lucky lady like?”  
Why do people always assume it’s a girl? Ugh, heteronormativity. “Actually, it’s for my boyfriend?” I bite my lip, this tends to get a mixed response.   
“Oh, I’m sorry, what’s the lucky guy like?” She doesn’t even break her smile.   
How do I describe Dan? “He’s the kind of person who thinks nothing of himself, even if people constantly tell him he’s the best. He’s the kind of person who I’d be happy to be stuck on a desert island with for a century. He’s articulate, funny, he’d creative and I just want to find the perfect ring.” Did I go off on one then?   
“Sounds perfect, I’ll show you what we’ve got. It also sounds like you want a simpler ring for him, with all of his creativity, I think anything elaborate would be tacky.” She pulls out a tray of simple silver-coloured rings from beneath the counter, most of them are inset with some kinda of sparkling gemstone.

As my eyes scan over them, looking for one I know he’ll love, I spot one, hiding in the corner, covered slightly by the price tag of the one next to it.   
“Can I have a look at that one?” I ask the woman, who takes it out and hands it to me. And good lord, it’s beautiful. A simple platinum-plated band, slightly wavy and there are three gem stones inset in the front. Two white diamonds and a glittering green emerald with changes shade in different lights. I can imagine it on Dan’s long slender fingers right now; I can imagine him showing it off to everyone and being so proud of it.   
“I can see you like it.” The woman says as I hand it back to her.   
“I think it’s perfect. How much?” I ask expecting the worst.   
“Well, the tag says five hundred, but I ca-”   
“I can pay that.” I just got paid and I’ve been subconsciously saving for a while now I think.   
“Okay great.”

I buy the ring, and head back home. As I sit on the tube, I know that there’s really ‘no time like the present’. I guess it would be more romantic to propose in a fancy restaurant, or on holiday or somewhere memorable. But for Dan and me, the most special place is at home. We work mostly from home, and I don’t think we ever really want to leave ever again. The atmosphere is just filled with our personalities and the walls ooze our memories. There’s also a few stains which had to be covered up after a particulary interesting night on the sofa. But that’s what make the flat ours.

When I arrive home, I can see Dan still in the office. He should be working but he’s procrastinating like always.   
I guess it’s now or never.   
“Dan can you come down here a second?” I have the little red box in my hand.   
“What is it?” He jumps down the stairs and lands in front of me.   
“I think it’s about time that we addressed this.” My heart is beating so fast, I think it’s going to explode.   
“Addressed what?”  
I slowly show the box from behind my back, and open it as I crouch onto one knee.   
“Dan Howell? Will you marry me?”

****_A month later  
_ _“Hey Internet, so I wanted to share so pretty special news with you today!  
So many have you have been wondering why I’ve not been uploading or tweeting etc. as much recently, and after careful consideration, I thought you had the right to know…I’m engaged! I think you all know who it’s to, right?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL THAT WAS GOOD WASN'T IT?   
> I'M SO HAPPY WITH THAT ENDING YOU HAVE NO IDEA


End file.
